Freedom from Darkness

"You are about to go on a journey. It is a journey through the layers of your own self. It is a journey through your life, through the worlds within and around you. It begins here, in your own body. It begins now, wherever you are. It is your own personal quest.

Make yourself comfortable, for the journey is not short. It could take months, years or lifetimes, but you have already chosen to go. You began long, long ago."

Everything starts with the root... Muladhara. I feel something stirring inside. It has awoken from a long sleep. I danced tonight for the first time in a long time. It felt wonderful. It was beautiful, exhausting, chaotic, rejuvenating... everything I remember it being. Tonight I felt a release. Something I have been holding onto for a while now. It weighed me down, but no longer. I don't understand it really, but I felt it so I know it must be real.

Perhaps it is just what I needed to keep going. This year feels so long and hard. Maybe that was what I was holding onto. My fear, my anger, my uncertainty... all the feelings and thoughts I have been plagued with. My path still isn't certain, but I feel better about walking it now.

I feel as if I have been under a magnifying glass this past week. Every flaw exposed. Every weakness known. I have no secrets. I have nothing that is my own. My life is an open book... a boring book at that.

There are days when living here, working here seems easy and wonderful. Then there are days when I wonder if I can keep doing this. Sometimes the children bring such joy to my life. I can't help but smile. Other times I want to tear out my hair. Such duality is confusing. The fog in my mind never quite clears. I thought it would be gone by now.

I've been neglecting myself. My loves, my desires and my needs. I haven't worked out since before Vietnam and I feel it in my body. A heavy, tired feeling. I don't read as much as I should. I don't write in my jouranl. I don't draw. I feel like a sloth, lazy and slow. I wonder what has happened to the "real" Correne. I preach that living every day to its fullest is the greatst joy in life, but I don't practice that philosophy. I come home from a long day at work and I plop myself on the couch. I watch mindless entertainment on the television and fall into bed exhausted. How is that living each day to its fullest? I wonder...

Now here I am, 27 years old and I can't help but ask "what have I done with my life?" Not much really. I don't feel like I've made a difference to anyone's life. Which is a sad realization because all I ever want to do is make a difference... to help people. Does that make me a failure?

Perhaps I am the one looking through the magnifying glass. Closely examining every flaw. My vision is blurred, biased. I cannot see anything positive in myself. It is my natural reaction to look for the negative, the things I do not like about myself. I have a lot of work to do... on myself. I just wish I was high enough on my own priority list.

I think I should stop writing for now. I've reread what I wrote and frankly its depressing. But it has motivated me to pick up my novel.

Slaughter House Five - pretty good.

By chance I decided to check out livejournal to see if I could access their site and here I am!! It seems, for whatever strange reason, I am reconnected with this part of the cyber world that I thought I lost. It fills me with joy to know that I can once again resume my companionship with this website.

So much time has passed since my last entry, but those of you who are reading this already know my life, so I don't need to rehash that last two (or more) months.

I think I'm happy here. It's a awkward statement I know, but I have had to think about this a lot. At first I was extremely against the most to Korea. I felt I wasn't ready. I was scared and convinced that moving me here would have taken me away from everything that I needed - my counsellor, my doctor, my home. If the choice had been up to me I would not have stepped one foot on that plane.

For the longest time I blamed Paul too. I felt that it was his choice to "drag" me here and I blamed him completely for that. I can't believe he puts up with me. Now that time has passed and I have had the chance to adjust to my surroundings, I feel that this was indeed a good decision. I had no idea how destruction the environment at my parents house was for me. It threw me into a mental state that I thought for sure was behind me. Don't get me wrong, I am still struggling here, but it is a better place for me. A place I am even starting to call home. I am beginning the healing process and it feels good.

I am even thinking about taking an online course while I'm here. The only catch is that I have to write the exam after one year and WHO KNOWS where I will be in a year. I might still be in Korea... or Austraila, or maybe even Canada (stranger things have happened).

I've been thinking about "settling down" a lot. Not anytime soon. I'm not ready yet and neither is Paul. But I do want to go back to school. Maybe finally make something out of all of these Natural Healer dreams I talk about so often. Then I want a house in the country, with an organic herb farm and chickens (for fun, not eating) and possibly other animals. I want to help people, but I also want to remember to help myself. I am always so low on my own priority lists. I keep neglecting myself. At first I thought it was because I was a "selfless" person. Always putting the needs of others before my own. Then I realised that, that conclusion was too easy. It may be part of it, but it is also part fear and part laziness. Self discovery, personal growth, "me time"... whatever you want to call it takes hard work, time and effort and maybe it is easier for me to say "I'm too busy helping others" then it is to actually do something to help myself. Now that I know this about myself, it would be wrong of me to ignore it. Now I just need to undo years of bad habits and conditioning... no problem!!

I think that's even self analysis for one night. I don't think I can take anymore... time for bed.

It's good to be back.

It's been a while. I find myself desiring to reconnect to all those things that meant so much to me just a few months ago. With all the chaos of my life I have been forgetting all the nurturing things that I need to survive. My journal, my friends, reading, drawing. All of these things have been tossed aside so I can help others. I'm tired. I don't have it in me to help anyone anymore - sometimes not even myself. I came to a scary realization that I may lose myself in this battle and if I do I don't know how I will ever find what I have lost. Am I ready for Korea? Am I ready to be a fully functional adult again? Big questions with no answers. Only time will tell.

Minnie, I'm reading your livejournal entries slowly but surely. I am so sorry that I didn't do this sooner, but I want you to know that I feel the same way. In some way I believe we can help each other. I hope all is well with you.

My brain is in a fog today. It feels heavy - if that makes sense. Like someone filled it with clouds - thick dense clouds you can't see through. Yet I was still able to spend the last hour updating and working on my resume. I am very proud to say that it is now ready to send to ATC. Paul and I have decided that we need to apply for Korea now. There is a risk that I won't be ready mentally, but everyday we stay here is making it more difficult for me to recover. Dr. Richardson said that leaving my parents house is part of my recovery and I truly believe that. I have a good feeling about sending the application now so I will trust that. I have always trusted my feelings and so far they have not led me astray.

God, my mind just went totally blank for a second there. I'm really sick of that happening. I find myself spending way too much time searching for a word or trying to think of what I was going to say. My concentration is down the toilet. I've only been on the supplements a week so I know its not enough time to see how they are working. I just hope that I will notice a difference by my next appointment in three weeks.

He did suggest acupuncture, but what surprised me was that he suggested I wait until I get to Korea. He knew that expenses were a problem right now (with me not working and all) and he though that Korea might be a cheaper alternative for me. That right there sealed my opinion of him. I am glad that I found him and that he is helping me through this. I feel like he actually cares, which is a rare thing in this day and age.

Well I'm going now. I've managed to keep my attention focused on LJ for this long I don't want to press my luck.

Until next time...

There is a light in the fog. I can't see it clearly, but it's there in the distance. I wonder if I'll ever reach it, but I remember that I once said the journey is the reward. I think I can still believe that. I've been tired lately. Not sleeping very well. I am torn between the light and illusion. Is this recovery or regression? Freedom or repression? I need time to think and to write. Time. What we all have so much of and none of.

I hope I don't jinx myself, but so far today has been a good day. I woke up with Paul this morning at 7am to give him his birthday card. I made it myself and I was really proud of it. It has been a long time since I drew anything and it felt good to be creative again (even if I only drew Stewie from Family Guy). He really seemed to like it, which made me happy. He always likes presents better when I make them myself. I am the same way. If someone made me something it is worth so much more because I know they spent time on it, and we all know how valuable time is in this day and age.

I wish I could capture my moods on these days and put them in a mason jar in the basement. That way I can access them whenever I need them. Just a quick fix and I'm set for the day.

Breathe...

"If you are depressed, your job is to get healthy again, so you can get back to your life."

I read this today and it made me feel a little better. Paul said that my recovery is like having a job and I think only now am I starting to believe him. I have so much "homework" to do all the time. I have never spent this much time on me before in my life. It's sad that it had to come to this to motivate me. Motivate is the wrong word, because I have no motivation. The website I was on put things into an interesting perspective. Normally we have motivation before behaviour. "I want to go to a movie" (motivation), so we go to a movie (behaviour). People with MDD do not have motivation, so you have to switch the order - behaviour before motivation. That's why I call it homework. Normally I would do these things because I am motivated to, but now I have to do them in hopes that I will one day be motivated again.

This website I found is really quite fantastic and the best part is that its free. I keep waiting for the catch to jump out and bite me in the butt, but so far it hasn't happened. Here's the link. You can sign up for a 16 week program based on CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy). It's similar to the psychotherapy workbook I bought. So far it seems really great and the support groups are an added bonus. I had no idea how helpful it would be to read messages from people who are in the same place I am... walking down that dark road. For the first time in a long time I don't feel so alone.

I know the path I have chosen is a lot more work then conventional therapies (i.e. anti-depressants), but it feels right. I feel like I am in control of my own destiny and choices. Last time I felt I wasn't given any other options and it made me feel even more trapped and isolated. Although this is harder, at least I feel a small taste of freedom that wasn't there before.

Maybe there is hope...

I feel trapped, confined by my own mind. I seek libertas, akrodha, freedom. No matter which language you write it in, the outcome is the same. I am wandering through life with no real direction or purpose. I am swimming hard, just to stay afloat. I can see the people of my life floating by me and I try to reach out, but they just float right by - not a care, at least not for me. The isolation is hard. Deep down I know I am not alone, but I cannot believe it. No matter how hard I try. I feel alone, therefore I am.

I am fighting the fog, the darkness that is consuming my life. I'm just so tired and at times it would simply be easier to close my eyes and let it take me. I'm not there yet, and I am working very hard so that I never reach that place.

I like my doctor. That is one good thing. Although he is busy and has many many patients, I can tell that he does care. And he listens, which is something I rarely experience in medicine. I am glad that I have found him. My appointment went well today, but I am too tired and my mind is whirling too much to write about it now. Perhaps later...